We all have people in our lives who touched us at a moment when we really needed it. Someone who asked a question that shifted things. Someone who just listened, or bought us a ticket when we needed to be somewhere else. Someone who told us we were good at something, or gave us solace or encouragement when we felt shaky and unsure. Often, we don’t realize the true impact of those moments until much later — and neither do they.
A friend of mine recently told me about how difficult her early university days were, and that she almost dropped out first year. I was surprised as she now has a PhD and is a researcher. I had no idea she had ever struggled. She had started university a little later than her peers, and moved from a small city to a big one, attending a very prestigious (and intimidating) school. By Thanksgiving she was ready to quit and go back home.
She felt like a hick, out of place and not up to it academically. She was lonely, too. Weeping on the phone to her boyfriend thousands of miles away, he encouraged her to stick it out – at least until the end of the semester. She also confided in a residence don who had been very kind and had helped her out when she first moved in, finding her a few things for her room as she hadn’t brought everything she needed. The don now listened and reassured her that lots of first-year students felt the same. She also let her know that she should come back to talk before making any drastic decisions. In the end my friend didn’t drop out. She settled in, got better at studying, made new friends and went on to complete her BA.
As we talked about this I asked if those two people knew the effect they had had on her decision and how it had eventually led to her career as an academic. No. By second year she had moved on. She lost touch with the boyfriend and she couldn’t even remember the name of that kind don.
Then my friend asked me, “Do your clients always let you know the effect your coaching had on them?” The answer was no.
Sometimes when our sessions end we lose touch and I don’t know what happens next. I may feel confident that my coaching was effective and helpful for them. But I can’t always know. They may have gone a different way or sought out a different coach or other supports. Maybe they are still grappling with the same challenges.
That question made me think of the physiotherapist who had helped me heal a painful leg injury. I was feeling hopeless and frightened about my future mobility when I began working with her. For over a year she guided and supported my healing. When I recovered, I just stopped booking appointments. I never told her how much her care had changed my life.
Following our conversation I reached out to thank her. I needed to let her know.
Sometimes it takes awhile to realize the gift someone gave us through their kindness or care, or that that interaction was really pivotal to our life path. When we do realize it, it matters to say so. Don’t worry about how long it has been or how you choose to express it. It is never too late to close the loop.